The Circle of Life
by Sleeplesshurricane
Summary: Kalinda's circle of life; sort of like the lion king. The birth, life, death, and rebirth of Kalinda Sharma.
1. The Birth of Kalinda Sharma

She wanted to lose herself, to lose her vulnerability to a coarse shell. All of her life she had been so soft and passive. Habits are hard to change, but personalities are even more challenging. She needed to scrape her soul along the sidewalk, and coat it in an armor of calluses. Chicago was the perfect escape.

Leela Tahiri was always a sharp girl - but it was simply common sense which brought her specifically to Peter Florrick's office. All she needed was a corrupt government official who would do anything she wanted in exchange for the one thing he wanted. Streams of hot air leaving her mouth were visible in the cold weather. Leela waited by the entrance to the State's Attorney building, leaning nonchalantly against the outside wall. Every morning Peter would walk past Leela. Sometimes he would nod his head politely, and other times he would be too deep in conversation to notice her.

After the 8th day of a friendly nod, Leela figured her passive, shadow-like presence was not achieving anything. She had to step it up a notch if she wanted Peter's alliance. The next morning, she made her move. Leela looked at Peter as he approached the doors, sporting a newly purchased pair of leather boots. Her skirt was pulled just a little farther up her waste than normal.

_I dare you to talk to me_.

She looked away and smiled as Peter stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes trailing her body. His voice was gruff when he finally spoke.

"I've seen you around before."

A moment passed before Leela looked back to Peter's face. A single nod. A breathy "Yeah..." answered Peter before she pushed off the wall and walked away like a pro in those boots. _Aloof_. She had read it once in a magazine. It seemed to be true as she could feel his eyes follow her.

The next day, Leela didn't show up. The money she had stolen from her burning home was running out (maybe the purchase of the boots was unnecessary - maybe not) and she couldn't live in the motel for much longer. Job hunting replaced her daily visits to the S.A.'s office. After two days, however, Leela remembered that no legitimate job would hire her with the identity of a dead, Canadian woman. So back to Peter she turned, with more vigor and resolve than ever.

Lust is a funny thing. It gives control freely - even if no one recognizes it. During her two-day hiatus, Peter was unable to stop thinking of Leela. Leela was worried Peter had forgotten about her.

His face visibly contorted in to predatory pleasure when he saw the pair of boots with an equally appealing body waiting for him once again."Where've you been?" He mused under his breath as he stopped in front of her.

"Maybe you should know my name before you ask that." A gloved hand escaped from her crisp pocket, and shook a much larger hand.

"Kalinda" She smiled slightly and dropped his hand.

It was the first time she had ever said the name aloud. She loved the way it sounded in the cold, Chicago air. It was powerful and independent, the incarnate of her new life. She also loved the way both her names ended in an "a" regardless of how sentimental and irrational that was. Hiding her smile with a face of superiority, she stepped to the left allowing Peter the option to enter his building. An option he didn't take.

Peter shoved his hands into the pockets of his black trench coat and bounced on the balls of his feet. Leela knew this was one of those moments her whole future depended on. He was on the edge, and all he needed was a little shove.

"It's cold out here..." She muttered barely audible, and she fiddled with the black scarf she had conveniently placed to cover her bare cleavage, and flashed just the smallest bit of dark skin. Her exposed flesh pulled at Peter's eyes, a magnetic force he couldn't resist.

"Kalinda, would you like to join me inside for a warm...cup of coffee?" Peter asked, the corners of his mouth curling. What a snake charmer this new Kalinda figure was.

After a silent ride up the elevator shared with two young lawyers who made no attempt to hide the pleasure they found in Leela's appearance, Peter finally led her to his office. Peter closed the door behind him and sauntered to sit behind his desk.

At some point Leela stopped existing and lost control to this new being. Kalinda emerged from the recesses of imagination, past conception, past development. Kalinda was not thrown into the world like a raw defenseless baby, but rather erupted into the world as a snarling tiger escaped from its cage. A tiger which caused naked fear in the eyes of everyone it faced - even the tiger's keeper.

Kalinda's eyes grew more beast-like the closer she stalked to Peter, who sat staring, unaware of the transformation he had just witnessed. His mind was preoccupied forming a single picture of unabashed selfishness. She stopped on the opposite side of the desk Peter sat behind, and tapped her fingernails on the edge. He looked at Kalinda, expecting her to say something. The tiger needed to confirm her dominance. She knew the silent lack of progression would be agonizing for Peter. She looked at him from across the desk, and drew out the pause as long as she could.

Then she took a step and whispered, "I..._need _something from you, Peter."

She walked towards him, boot heels clicking powerfully against the ground. Despite her smaller stature, Kalinda looked down at Peter as he sat in his desk chair. He had caught the innuendo. The only change of expression Kalinda allowed to flash across her face was a raised eyebrow as Peter chuckled. He leaned back in his chair and brought a large hand to his eyes, rubbing them in both frustration and slight embarrassment. Of course a woman like this wouldn't throw herself at him for pure pleasure.

"What can I do for you, Kalinda?"

Kalinda leaned forward, hands on each the chair's armrests and brought her lips mere centimeters from his. This was it – the climax of today's performance. She could taste his breath as she sucked in deeply, the fire in her eyes engulfing his. They hadn't even touched yet, but she had him at her every whim. She wanted to know she could do this without touching him once.

"I need a job. Here"

Peter laughed again, each exhalation hitting Kalinda's face as she continued to stare into his eyes."Give me your resume. I'll see what I can do."

Kalinda sighed, cool minty breath expanding in a single gust across Peter's whole face, before she rolled her eyes and removed her face from his.

"Then I will, likewise, see what I can do about this….situation...we have here"

She had reached the door to leave Peter's office, hand twisting the doorknob before Peter spoke again.

"Wait. Come back tomorrow and I might have something set up for you."

Kalinda looked over her shoulder, eyes burning into Peter's before she left.

As soon as the door to Peter's office clicked behind her, Leela returned. It was as if she had just regained consciousness. A sudden rush of blood to her head made her feel dizzy. Quickly, she entered the elevator, which was thankfully empty. A sanctuary from the beast she had just become – the protector of Leela.

She couldn't understand it, this struggle - not between good and evil, but different shades of grays - that was being fought inside her. It was exactly what she needed to become to protect herself. To ensure the past would never repeat. But it scared her. Leela had seen the wedding ring on his finger, days ago. But Kalinda didn't care. And that scared her.

Leela walked for hours until she finally entered a dark, crowded bar. No more fruity drinks. Tequila. It seemed to be a drink fitting of the Tiger.

She was suffering a terrible hangover from all the tequila. or she was influenced by her nervous adrenalin, or maybe a deadly mixture of both. One thing was for certain – Leela did not want to get out of bed. Not because the cheap motel had the most comfortable bed, or the room was the perfect temperature (because that was a long distance from the truth). Leela wanted to hide in bed because she dreaded the thought of seeing Peter.

Over the course of the night, she had convinced herself that she had fucked it all up. Peter was going to think of her as a needy whore. That was the impression she gave anyway, wasn't it?

But she had spent many mornings feeling so much less than that. At least now she was free, independent. So she swung her legs out from under the covers into the freezing motel air, and got dressed.

Leela was leaning against Peter's desk, toying with the open manila files. One had a scrawled note on the margin about an affair between parent and teacher. On top of that was a sticky note with a woman's handwriting. It said something about kids. Peter's kids.

She crossed her legs tight as she sat on top of his desk, as Peter walked towards her and bent his head even with hers. Just before he could plant a hungry kiss on her dark lips, she whispered, "I need one more thing from you." Then she leaned forward and traced her tongue along his bottom lip. Leela's repulsion was overcome with Kalinda's determination as she lifted her eyes to look at his. Kalinda had him firmly in her grasp now. Any doubt was gone.

Faces still brushing against each other, Peter's breathy response contained only one word.

"What?"

Kalinda leaned back placing her hands behind her on his desk, and licking her own lips. "Mmh. The job is great Peter."

He had noticed her ability to manipulate people even as she was doing it to him. Peter placed her as an apprentice investigator. It was very little money and she would be working under someone, but it was a job none the less.

Biting her bottom lip, Kalinda continued. "But I need…" she leaned forward again, into Peter's mouth and whispered again, "I need an identity." The words blew straight into Peter's gaping mouth as they shared each other's air.

This time Peter pulled back, putting his hands on her shoulders and an arms length of distance between them. "A what?"

Kalinda rolled her eyes. Actually, she rolled her whole head with annoyance and repeated, "An identity. Right now I don't legally exist."

She knew Peter was intrigued, instead of appalled, when a smirk spread across his face. God, he was so readable.

"So I get you a job, and then an identity, and then…"

Kalinda hopped off the desk and walked towards the office doors.

"A job first, because I need it and you know I won't run away. You will see me every day." She toyed with the hem of her skirt. "Until I get an identity. After you give me what I need, you can ask me for a favor. Any favor."

As she turned and walked out of the office, Leela winced. She had just laid all her cards out on the table. And it was unnecessary – he was going to do it anyway. She could tell by the look on his face. Back down the elevator Leela went, once again, wondering if she had damaged the plan. This new Kalinda figure was going to take some time to perfect. But she would get there.

After a few weeks of working after hours with Peter, Kalinda Sharma finally existed. Kalinda Sharma. She was no longer a beast, wandering aimlessly through Leela's life. Leela Tahiri was dead. Not by fire, but by the hands of Peter Florrick and Kalinda Sharma.

Kalinda walked in only her boots on the carpeted ground of the nicest hotel she had ever been in. The dim golden light played chase across Kalinda's naked skin, making her shine like a trophy. Her dark eyes looked at Peter, and she regretted the first act she would commit with her new identity would be fucking this man. But this was her new life, and this was something that Kalinda Sharma just did.

Never once did she say thank you. Instead, she pushed him back onto the bed, and sat on his lap, straddling his middle-aged body. She let him run his massive hands along her things, squeeze her breasts. Kalinda unbuckled his pants and dropped them around his ankles. She rolled her hips slightly, making herself completely available. He grunted roughly like an animal when she let him slip inside her. She let him roll on top of her, and hold her wrists above her head as he slid against her tiny body. She even allowed an occasional gasp cross her lips as he thrust into her.

Peter's sex face was reminiscent of a gargoyle. That was all Kalinda really thought of as Peter filled her – _I'm getting fucked by a gargoyle._ At first it was funny, and a little squeal of a laugh escaped as Peter pushed in once again, his face contorting into a different ghastly shape. Then she went numb.

Kalinda Sharma, the tiger who fucked without love.


	2. The Life of Kalinda Sharma

Those mornings when Kalinda would wake up and forget where and who she was, became less and less frequent as time went on. During her first year in the small apartment she had purchased, it was common occurrence for Kalinda to dream of the hungry flames which had consumed her past life. A wave of muscle spasms would jolt her into the dazed state of half consciousness. She had no idea where the empty, white walls belonged. It sickened her that the single thing able to bring her back to the present was Peter's face, ugly through the impure pleasure she had given him. It was a phantom her mind refused to remove.

The night after Kalinda spent with Peter, she had wanted so badly to cry. She didn't know why, and it made no sense. But the second she had closed the door to her motel room, she slid down it to sit on the ground and concentrate solely on not crying. _Why are motels so goddamned gloomy?_

After nearly three years of working for Peter, Kalinda had enough money and a big enough network to break free from her tainted job. And then Glenn Childs contacted her. She couldn't say no to putting a kink in Peter's good guy façade. There was a secret, private celebration consisting of wine and chocolate chip cookies when Kalinda learned Peter was going to jail.

By the time Kalinda learned that Alicia Florrick was taking a job at Stern-Lockhart-Gardner, she was beyond feeling guilty. She was actually disgusted by the faceless figure of Alicia; the idea that anyone could be so blissfully ignorant. Kalinda was sure she would only have to put up with Alicia for a few weeks before stress killed the sheltered woman - before she decided being a librarian was a better life for her.

**

"Come on. Its a Stern-Lockhart tradition. Your first jury trial - shot of tequila. Let's go."

Alicia reassured herself with a breathy, "Okay" before bouncing the shot glass off of the counter and downing the tequila, shaking her head and squeeling in shock at the strength of the alcohol.

"Yeah, I just made that up."

Kalinda took her shot, and then honest-to-god giggled. She couldn't remember the last time she truly giggled. But she was too busy being happy to remember that.

"Sounded good though, didn't it?"

For a while, Kalinda pretended that she was simply protecting herself. Being friendly with Alicia would enable her to keep close tabs on the woman. Learning what made her tick, what her facial expressions and body language meant, to know when she was upset. If Alicia ever began to figure out anything about Kalinda's time with Peter, about her past - or the lack of - Kalinda could steer her quietly off track. She would keep both their lives in tact for at least that much longer.

Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. At one time, Kalinda thought of fucking Alicia too. Leveling the playing field - a blackmail of sorts. But Alicia was too perfect for that. As quickly as the thougt had appeared, Kalinda killed it and refused to think of it again. For more than just one reason.

Somewhere along the line, however, something changed, and Kalinda found herself making all the initiating moves towards friendship.

Kalinda had become a frequent visitor of a bar. A bar filled with warm colors and shadows. If she dared think about it - this was the same bar she had visited after her first encounter in Peter's office. But the tequila helped her to forget that. And Alicia helped. She rarely visited that bar without Alicia anymore. They talked about everything under those dim, red lights. Mostly about Will. Some about work, some about her kids, and every once and a while about Peter's trial (even though Kalinda hated talking about that, she was always ready for Alicia to vent to. When did she become so damned caring?)

"Are you gay?"

Kalinda however, hated talking about herself. It was a rule she had made up near the beginning - one of the 'Ten Commandments' she liked to call them. Even though there were only seven .

"Oh come on. We were talking about every single little detail of my life. Its a _sinple _question."

"I'm... I'm private."

"Ugh. Come on!"

"What does it matter?"

"It doesn't."

"Then why'd you want to know?"

Kalinda had become a master of deflection over the years. Hiding her weaknesses from the world outside her shell. But for some reason, slightly drunk Alicia dulled those abilities. Thankfully, slightly drunk Alicia was, well, slow. And she didn't notice Kalinda's lack of denial. Because Kalinda didn't discriminate - she would sleep with anyone who could get her something; regardless of sex, or marital status. Kalinda wouldn't lie to Alicia when she could afford the truth.

"Because I do. And how is this fair? I talk about everything."

"I didn't say it was. You like to talk about your life. I don't like to talk about mine." _Because I burned down my old life and traded this one for sex with your husband - something I'd rather keep to myself._

She was always overwhelmed by the emotion Alicia was able to awake in her, without even knowing she was doing it.

Being friends with Alicia was like standing out on an airplane, unsure if the parachute would work. Kalinda felt such a thrill every time she saw Alicia. A jolt of adrenalin would surge through her body as Alicia would smile at her. In those moments, she was ready to jump, ready to expose all her flaws and failures to Alicia. But the second Alicia left her sight, common sense would return. Kalinda was sure that Alicia would never accept her if she knew. Kalinda would retreat back into the safety of the airplane.

But more often than she liked to admit, Kalinda would feel the urge to jump - to feel the air wrapping its arms around her, the sensation of falling. For Alicia.

"My son has a crush on you."

Alicia leaned forward and poked Kalinda's shoulder. Her breath smelled strongly of liquor and her movements were fluid. Kalinda simply rolled her eyes and sipped the drink Alicia had poured her. Both of their feet were burrowed under the light grey comforter on Alicia's bed.

"No, I'm serious!"

"I know you are."

"You should have seen the way he looked at you."

Kalinda shifted in the bed, careful not to spill her large glass of wine. After Carter Wright on death row had been given his life back, Kalinda returned to Alicia's door to check on her. They had spent nearly the whole day in Alicia's room, fighting for this man's life, and Kalinda was sure Alicia was marinating in the heavy emotion still floating around it. Kalinda told herself it was just like after work drinks at a bar, but she knew it was so much more personal than that; being in Alicia's house for no other reason than to see her. They had quickly transitioned from individual coolers to sharing a large bottle of wine between them - a dark mahogany wine over the stainless bedspread.

"My horoscope said a young, dark haired man would walk into my life"

They laughed not so much at Zach's new fascination, but at the idea of Kalinda reading a horoscope. Alicia's laugh reverberated off the walls like wedding bells and Kalinda thought she would never tire of hearing that. The two friends clinked their crystal glasses together and took a sip of the wine. It was very possibly the best wine Kalinda had ever tasted, regardless of the disclaimer Alicia had given when she pulled it from the back of the pantry. Or maybe it was just the circumstances.

As their laughter subsided, silence nestled its way between them. It was a comfortable silence which both loved and protected. Alicia's thoughts had obviously transitioned as she stared at the door on the wall opposite them, unblinking. Kalinda studied Alicia's face - memorizing every laugh line. She could have gone on for hours like that, sitting in silence with Alicia.

Kalinda knew that this type of friendship was rare. Alicia made her forget everything that had happened in her life. Alicia made her forget completely about protecting herself and left Kalinda open and vulnerable. The only thing she could think about while they were together was to protect Alicia from the horrors of the world. And she tried. Oh, how she tried to be the perfect one for her friend. Sometimes she felt successful. Alicia knew she would do anything to protect her. But she mostly felt like a hypocrite - knowing that she, herself, would be the one to hurt Alicia the most if anyone ever found out.

Alicia leaned forward and brought her knees to her chest as Kalinda simply watched. There was no need to break the silence as they sat separately, together. Turning her head, Alicia rested her cheek on her knee and looked at the woman sitting just an arms length away on her bed. Kalinda smiled gently, making eye contact as she waited for Alicia to interrupt the peaceful silence. She couldn't bring herself to shatter it, the perfect moment of friendship. Alicia always brought a small dose of Leela back.

"Peter used to sleep right there" Alicia nodded towards Kalinda.

Kalinda froze, unable to move or think as she focused on not throwing herself out of the bed immediately. The peace was slaughtered by complete and utter terror. Every part of her skin which touched the plush fabric where Peter had laid his head burned as if she were in hell. And she was - her own personal hell. Kalinda pulled her feet out from under the blanket. The black stockings on her bootless feet lay in cruel contrast to the light. She hadn't even thought of Peter ever being in this bed before. How stupid.

Kalinda must have done a decent job masking her sudden horror with slight surprise. Alicia looked at her with understanding. After all, the topic had come out of nowhere. And Kalinda was terrible with emotions.

"I'm sorry. It's just... Sometimes I wonder what happened."

Kalinda waited, unable to do anything else.

"I'm making him sleep in a different room." Alicia took a massive gulp of wine. It suddenly wasn't strong enough.

"Good for you." It was all Kalinda could manage to say before mirroring Alicia's intake of wine. And then even more. Alicia's featured softened a little as she shook her head.

"I knew you'd say something like that" she laughed.

And just like that, Kalinda was safe again. She would have to be more wary of these extended silences in the future. They were the quiet before the most monstrous storms Kalinda could ever face.

When Kalinda gave Alicia her new address, scrawled on a little folded slip of paper, she had never felt closer to anyone in her life. There was no doubt about it – Kalinda loved Alicia. Not a lustful, burning passion sort of love. But a constantly burning candle which lit up the darkness enough to be a guiding light, the love of a friend in the black world. And it was mutual feeling. Kalinda had never felt that way about anyone ever, and never expected the emotion to be reciprocated. She suddenly needed to make a leap. Fuck the risk. If Alicia knew where Kalinda lived, if she ever came to the minimally decorated apartment, Kalinda would feel nothing but safe. And Alicia would treasure the gift. Kalinda knew that much.

It had taken nearly two years for Kalinda to get to this point. To let everything go and simply move forward in their friendship. There was another dimension to Kalinda – trust.


	3. The Death of Kalinda Sharma

The moment when Kalinda knew that Alicia knew, her world stopped spinning.

Kalinda had her suspicions before. But she had thought that those suspicions were just little monsters sitting on her shoulders, roaring in laughter from the anxiety they were causing her.

When she had passed Alicia in the hallway, just outside of Will's office, it had been the most unnerving conversation Kalinda and Alicia had ever shared.

"Everything alright?"

"Yep. Gotta – uh Got to get back to work."They had both walked away from that one, cringing from the sheer irregularity and emotion in that brief passing.

And then again a few days later in the conference room; Alicia had never brought up the subject of her husband's infidelity before. In the most professional voice, devoid of all emotion, Alicia had made direct eye contact with Kalinda and asked if she was being used "Because my husband cheated on me?" Kalinda glued her eyes on Alicia's face, forgetting completely about the case for moments, but Alicia never met her eyes. She didn't even grace Kalinda with a second glance.

Kalinda had to know for sure. The purgatory was impossible to navigate.

Kalinda knew that something was bothering Alicia, that much was for sure. It was blaringly obvious to all of those who had come in contact with her that day. Something had happened over the night which had torn her world apart and Kalinda was either the cause of it, or she was going to be the fix.

She stood, waiting in her best friend's office, unsure of what she would say to not let her intentions of discovery being known. Alicia walked in during a phone call to Carey, which Kalinda ended immediately.

"So. What's up?" She almost rolled her eyes at herself. She sounded like a teenager. What's up? How completely unoriginal and dull and unworthy and –

"No, Kalinda. No."

Kalinda had lost her train of thought, and wondered if she missed part of the conversation in her brief moment of self-criticism.

"What?"

"We both work here. We're both going to continue to work here. So let's not talk."

"Alicia..."

"No, you don't explain anything. You do not put a single thing in context. You slept with my husband. You do not say anything after that. You do not. It is _selfish_to say anything after that."

This was the moment Kalinda's world stood still. Seeing Alicia crumble, seeing her in pain - experiencing everything Kalinda had worked so hard to protect her from. Kalinda could not believe this moment had actually come.

All cosmic movements: orbits, rotations, and revolutions ceased motion. It was as if time had stopped with Kalinda sitting in the center of the universe, in that chair in Alicia's office. All of Chicago held in a breath as Alicia continued talking. Kalinda was sure she had died; she couldn't hear a single word which left Alicia's lips. She could just see them moving, pain exploding behind them.

"Kalinda there are so many people who can see us right now but I sw-" she gasped for another breath. "I swear I will scream at the top of my lungs if you don't get out of my office now."

Kalinda finally moved, and grabbed her notebook off of Alicia's desk. There was an insane, otherworldly feel which surged through her as all living creatures finally gasped in a breath, then another, until they were all breathing normally again.

This conversation she had just shared with Alicia, or rather the burden of her friend's – former friend's? – bruised anger which had just been placed on her shoulders, was the single most heartbreaking moment in Kalinda's life. (When she thought about it, in Leela's life as well. Leela had never cared for anyone as much as Kalinda cared for Alicia. It was like a first love, like Romeo and Juliette. Except instead of dying in the end, Juliette rips out Romeo's heart and stomps on it while he can hardly move due to guilt. So maybe not much Romeo and Juliette at all. She was never really good at literature references – she preferred to read the news paper.)

The ding to the elevator rang like the bells to heaven, the only noise which reverberated in her head as she headed towards it. There was a one in a million chance that of all of the busy elevators in Chicago, this one would be empty. But it was.

Maybe there was a god.

A wave of emotion hit her like a brick wall as the doors closed. All ability to think was lost. Kalinda choked out a single sob, leaning against the elevator for support. Then another gasping sob escaped, and another. She stood, sobbing in refuge inside the elevator. It didn't seem absurd at the time. But, of course elevator doors don't remain shut forever – in all actuality, they only remain shut for a few seconds.

Before she knew it, Kalinda was in the lobby of the building, facing people bustling around their daily business. The busy ants in business suits were completely unaware of the tearstains on Kalinda's cheeks. But those trails burned into her skin like a vibrant rash she was sure all eyes could see.

Kalinda wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, pulled out a pen and looked down at her notes on her black notepad. The words blurred as she could feel more tears being cradled by her eyelids. She would not let those fall however. Making her way through the crowds, Kalinda managed to walk briskly, looking busy as she scratched nonsense patterns onto her notepad.

After a short break for as much hard liquor she could handle while still remaining productive, Kalinda returned to work. She was, however, unproductive. She was bound to see Alicia eventually. It was going to be a long day. A long lifetime.

Nothing that her job could pay her to do was worth her time anymore, and she just sat, staring at papers, photographs, and walls. She had no energy or emotion left as she sat in her office. Kalinda had never considered simply looking busy before (probably because she always was actually very busy) but it was a skill that she didn't know she had until now. She was very good at it.

Maybe she should find another job.

Kalinda couldn't return home after her work hours ended. The white walls with minimalist dark purple and midnight blue accents were a daunting prison. The thought of her apartment made her sick. Maybe she was a little sick already. Instead of returning home, Kalinda drove across town, through the busy streets of Chicago, one destination in mind.

The city lights shot past the car, blinding her eyes against the dark night as she drove. No stars were visible in the sky. They never were in Chicago, but for some reason she was starting to miss them.

Every few stoplights Kalinda would turn a corner, taking the longest way possible to her point of interest. The closer she got, the more she felt the need to hurl.

The myth that people could make themselves sick due to emotion, or die of heartbreak had once made Kalinda laugh.

Before she had enough time to mentally prepare herself during the drive, Kalinda had arrived. The building stood tall above her, an uncountable amount of floors rose to scratch the hazy night sky. It wasn't by any means the tallest building in the city, or even on that particular block, but it made her feel smaller than any other building ever did.

The valet took her car, and she walked into the lobby towards the front desk.

"Room for one." Kalinda stated when she was finally given the attention of the employee.

"How long will you be staying?" The man asked. His voice was deep and his hair was a dark brown, almost black. He resembled what Peter might have looked like 25 years ago.

"Just one night. Can I request…room 117?" Kalinda looked at his eyes. They were blue. She was sure she looked like a seasick child.

"I'll check to see if it is available." He squinted at her odd request - unsure of the reason, too polite to ask. Kalinda smiled weakly as she though what she might respond if he asked why. _Go fuck yourself_seemed to be the winning response.

"It is vacant. Here is your key. Have a good night ma'am." The key was gold and rather ornate, matching the rococo swirls which embellished the whole of the hotel lobby. She hadn't even seen the key before.

The elevator ride was just as long as she remembered it to be. Kalinda looked at her reflection in the gold-plated walls. She was reminded how she didn't fit in this type of life – of the rich hotels where everything shone gold and money.

And eventually, she was there. In the hotel room. The very same hotel room where she had fucked Peter. Where she had sold her soul to the devil. Where her whole future began, and ended.

Kalinda stood back against the door, staring at the room. The atmosphere was thick, she could hardly move through it. Breathing apparently wasn't a priority anymore. The silence which inhabited this room was a monster. She could feel its teeth closing around her fingertips. It moved agonizingly slow up her arms, legs, torso, neck to swallow her whole body. It left her head alone. The silence transformed her into a bodiless being. Her ears rang with the light hum when the heater turned on.

She was just the essence of Kalinda. No. She was just the essence of Leela. No. She was simply an essence - the remnants of a human being who once existed.

Then she moved, returning to the present. Kalinda wiggled her toes in her boots, and felt the leather rub against her stockings. She rubbed her thumb across the key, feeling the cold metal against her burning skin. The room was just as dimly lit as she remembered it, and everything was that disgusting shade of golden yellow – even the light emitted from the lamps seemed plated in gold. It was like Midas' bedroom.

Kalinda slipped off her boots. First the left, then the right. She slowly unzipped her dark leather jacket and placed it on top of her boots, neatly in a corner by the door. Next came her shirt, then her skirt. Stockings, bra, and underwear, until Kalinda stood naked, back still against the door. It was cold against her bare skin. It tamed the feverish burning which had consumed her body. One by one she remover her hair pins, dropping them in a semi circle around her bare feet.

Once again the yellow light fluttered across her dark skin as she stood statue still. Gold like a trophy.

Kalinda inched towards the bed. Leaning over she rested her two hands on the foot of the bed, hair hanging between her elbows as her eyes traced the stitched pattern on the bedspread beneath her. Her hands contracted, grabbing handfuls of the fabric and ripping it off of the bed. Throw pillows flew in every possible direction, hitting the ceiling, the walls, and one skidded into the bathroom. The blanket seemed to hover in midair, floating like a magic carpet before it fell with a gratifying 'whomp' to the floor. White sheets were amputated from the bed and thrown on top of the single lamp, almost completely shutting off all light sources. A small glow like a candle lit the room from under the crumpled fabric.

She moved in controlled, calculated movements as the bed was torn apart. Pillows were whipped to the ground in a sudden outburst, while others were shoved lightly off the side of the mattress. Kalinda stood naked among the dressings to the bed which were strewn across the floor. The bed was naked too.

Kalinda crawled onto the bare mattress, her naked body sliding against the silk mattress, then lay face down. Her limbs were spread out in a starfish-like manner as she weakly pounded a hand against the mattress. As if to bruise the bed would damage the past, alter it in some way. For the first time since the elevator, Kalinda cried. And she cried in all brutal honesty; pain, anger, guilt, and loneliness which lived in her soul. Her tears fell silently onto the mattress.

'Cry me a river.' It was odd to Kalinda how such a childish taunt could fit so perfectly to her adult life. It seemed so surprisingly appropriate to create an earth-altering abrasion. Rivers; scars in the earth's surface. To cry a river so wide, so deep, to create a gaping canyon on the face of the earth like a knife wound. The beauty of the pain in said river's water, however, couldn't be naked under the sunlight.

But she couldn't do any of that. She could only lie in the ruins, alone and cry two temporary rivers down her own face.

Kalinda had left the hotel room at 4:38 am exactly. She had repinned her hair, washed her face diming the vibrant red streaks running down her it, and clothed herself again before shutting the door on the destroyed room. Emotionally and physically, she was drop dead tired. The sun wasn't even up yet, but Chicago had already awakened - or maybe it never went to sleep. Maybe it accompanied Kalinda through the night. She didn't care either way as she drove back to her own apartment.

In her pajamas, Kalinda sat on her black leather couch. The cold, hard fabric was uncomforting as she sipped a glass of warm milk, staring off into nothing. She had always loved milk. It went perfect with chocolate. Kalinda wished she was more hospitable - that she would have a bowl of M&M's sitting on the table waiting for her guests. So that she could eat them all right now.

By the time Kalinda had finished her milk, it was time to go to work. She had stopped crying hours ago, but that didn't mean the curse of puffy eyes didn't affect her. Kalinda dressed in the dark, avoiding all mirrors, thankful that none of her clothes really clashed with each other, before pulling her hair back, and exiting her apartment.

She had decided the best plan of action: try once to explain herself. To shove whatever small amount of her story Alicia was willing to listen to down her throat, and then wait. If Alicia wouldn't accept the apology, if she was too hurt to move forward, Kalinda would let her alone.

And that is exactly what happened. The need to protect her best friend, no matter how twisted and irrational it was, still burned inside Kalinda. Except now, to protect Alicia would be to avoid her - to avoid reopening the wound Kalinda had cut so deeply into her friend.

Kalinda had lost herself in an attempt to protect Alicia; crawling to ask for a job she didn't want, avoiding all the hallways near Alicia's office whenever possible, busying herself with different cases when Diane and Will allowed.

Kalinda's new identity was to protect Alicia. From Kalinda herself.


	4. The Rebirth of Kalinda Sharma

Alicia had reintroduced Kalinda into the life of the common human being. A life of trust and friendship. A life of love. Kalinda had lived so long without that - alone in the dark. She was surprised she wasn't incinerated by the light which Alicia had thrown her into. And like a flower to the sun, Kalinda had been drawn to the light Alicia radiated. All her instincts told her that this was the wrong thing to do - that she would regret it eventually. But Kalinda had shut up those feelings into a compartment in the dusty recesses of her brain. The need to love and be loved was so addicting that Kalinda could hardly think of anything else.

Losing Alicia was worse than any substance withdrawal a recovering addict could face. Kalinda was physically sick from the sudden loss of light and warmth in her life. She shivered when standing next to a heater, leather jackets were never removed from her tense shoulders.

Kalinda's workplace had become a torture chamber. The glass hallways, the echoing sounds, and the jobs she worked. Everything kept her from escaping from the grasp of her best friend. To stare blankly through the transparent walls presented the risk of painfully hostile eye contact with Alicia. Even worse was catching a glimpse of Alicia in action, the other woman unaware of Kalinda's gaze. Despite how insistently she would try to look the other way, Kalinda never could. She would torture herself watching Alicia, longing for the touch of whatever inanimate object Alicia graced with the slightest bit of attention. Kalinda would much rather be that pencil Alicia was absently twirling in her hands than to never feel the warmth of her friend again. And despite all the dangers and warnings she gave herself, through the glass Kalinda would stare, just hoping for the opportunity to experience those exact torturous moments.

Kalinda longed to be assigned one of Alicia's cases (though she never volunteered). That, however, was becoming a rare occurrence as Alicia continuously found ways around using the in-house. Tracking down information or people herself, Alicia took on what she could of Kalinda's job. Alicia would never admit to anyone what she asked herself time and time again, "What would Kalinda do right now?" Those rare times Alicia actually needed Kalinda's expertise, most of the busywork was finished due to Alicia's complete determination to avoid Kalinda.

"Kalinda, I need you to look into Ashley Day."

Kalinda didn't dare look up from the case report she had stopped reading the moment that she felt Alicia's presence. She didn't know if she was protecting herself, or Alicia. Just knowing that Alicia could still look at her, converse with her, and respect her as an employee gave Kalinda reenergized life. Simply being in the same room warmed her heart

"Alright. What do you already have?" Kalinda underlined a completely useless word in order to look busy - avoid Alicia's gaze. She could feel Alicia's smile before she looked up to see it.

"Nothing yet, just a person of interest. It's your job to find the details, isn't it?"

Alicia's smile and slight jest took Kalinda by surprise. She quickly convinced herself it was sarcasm and her expression remained guarded.

"It's just that you normally do a thorough job before asking for my help."

"Yes, well I'm very busy at the moment." Any warmth Kalinda had previously disputed over was gone. Along with Kalinda's precious contact with Alicia as the woman briskly turned and exited Kalinda's office. Kalinda felt cold, as if the sun had suddenly vanished behind a thick, black raincloud - thrusting her whole world into shadows. She shivered.

Kalinda never really made a conscious decision to protect the one she had hurt most. It was more like a subconscious obligation such as breathing, or her heart's beating. But day after day, Kalinda would peek into Alicia's office, eaves drop on her conversations, pick up on her cases, and become an invisible source of helpful information or resources when needed. Some would say she was like Alicia's own guardian angel. Kalinda scoffed at that notion.

Every aspect of Ashley Day's life had been turned inside out. Even the darkest, hidden corners had been exposed. The poor girl was hardly even related to the case, and ended up being of little help at all. But Kalinda had done her very best work none the less - for Alicia. She had resolved to never leave Alicia vulnerable in the courtroom. Double checking her information seemed a small, yet time consuming, price to pay in order to protect Alicia. But Alicia never noticed, or if she did she didn't care.

Kalinda needed to feel close to a human being again - she needed the warmth of a breathing body.

Finding another relationship - another friendship - like the one she had shared with Alicia was impossible. It was a futile endeavor, and Kalinda knew that. No one would ever make her smile the way Alicia did. No one could ever understand Kalinda, her emotions, her flaws. But she had to find some way to fill the void.

People fill holes in their lives with many things - alcohol, drugs, religion. All become addictive and destructive when used in excess. Kalinda chose sex. Kalinda liked to feel a body stretched along hers in the quiet hours of early morning. She would spend hours just listening to the breathing, never looking at the face; just feeling the warmth of their bodies radiating towards her. Kalinda didn't particularly care for the actual intercourse most of the time. It was sweaty and, while pleasurable, distant. When she truly felt connected to those one night stands was in the minutes before she would leave them alone in the hotel room.

Kalinda would lie in bed; imagine what a friendship with this person might look like. Often she imagined the two of them getting a drink, talking about life. Which is when she remembered the only person she wanted to do that with was Alicia. As soon as Kalinda would see Alicia's face in her mind, she was impossible to get out. If Kalinda closed her eyes, Alicia's smile would spread across her eyelids. If Kalinda opened her eyes, Alicia would be on the ceiling, offering to buy Kalinda a drink. A phantom her mind refused to erase.

Then she would leave. Those nameless, faceless bodies lay still breathing in the bed as Kalinda would gather her clothes which were strewn around the room. Sex was like her prescription drug, and she had gotten her weekly dose of human connection. It satisfied her longing for contact. Until the next time she felt so lonely she couldn't breathe. Until the next time she would pass Alicia in the hallway - both women unaccompanied and lacking a preoccupation, yet never sharing a single word.

But no matter how close, physically, Kalinda became with these countless amounts of people, she was never filled. Months had passed, and subconsciously, her partners had become solely women. Solely brunette women. Solely older, brunette women. As they started to resemble Alicia more and more, the sex became shorter and shorter. Kalinda would will herself to orgasm as quick as she could, or she would fake it. All she longed for was when those women would fall asleep next to her, their skin still touching, but she didn't have to see a face. The time Kalinda would lie just listening to them breath increased as her time spent rolling around under the sheets decreased. She never fell asleep herself.

Kalinda had stayed too long, or made too much noise, or the other woman was a very light sleeper. Just as Kalinda had reached to slip on her boots, the other woman woke up. She rolled on her side in the dark hotel room and looked at Kalinda as she continued to get ready, pretending not to notice.

"It's alright. No need to apologize. I'm usually the one leaving the girls in the dust." The other woman (what was her name? Carrie? Katie? Kelsey?) propped her head on her hand and covered herself with the thin, and very see-through, hotel room sheets. Kalinda smirked.

"I beat you to it" she replied quietly as she finished putting her boots on.

"I suppose you did. I should be feeling sorry for you though; I've heard that the one who leaves first has the biggest emotional problems. Your life must suck, because mine is pretty dingy." The brunette rolled onto her back as she spoke, tucking her hands behind her head.

"So they say…" Kalinda murmured in annoyance. She hated the fact that this body had become a person before she could leave it. She hated that this person attempted to hold a conversation with her before Kalinda left it alone. She hated that this woman was correct.

"You don't talk much. I noticed it at the bar. It's a good thing you're leaving, because I talk a whole fucking lot and you'd probably kill me if we actually held a conversation."

"I might anyway."

The woman released a snort which somewhat resembled a laugh. It was nothing like Alicia's laugh. It was so ungraceful, so loud, and so masculine. Somewhat animal-like.

"Alright, well let me just say this one thing before you chop off my tongue."

"I'll pretend to listen as long as it takes to leave you here."Another snort. God, it was so ghastly. Kalinda was just pulling on her maroon leather jacket on top of yesterday's clothes, and reaching for her necklace.

"I'll say it fast then. If you get anything out of this other than a fantastic fuck - if I do say so myself – remember: no one dictates your happiness but yourself. If you're made up your mind to be unhappy, you'll -"

Kalinda scoffed and slammed the hotel door behind her before she could hear the inevitable word: alone. It was the worst word in the world. It was almost as terrible to hear as it was to taste as her own tongue uttered the godforsaken word

***  
>"Kalinda, you remember Ashley Day?" Alicia had peeked her head inside Kalinda's office, her hand on the doorframe, and the rest of her body still outside.<p>

"Yeah, she was almost completely unrelated to your case." Kalinda had no physical case files to invest her imaginary attention in, so she looked directly at Alicia. How could so much time have passed, but any eye contact still be so painful? She looked at her hands.

"Right. Um…" Alicia moved to stand fully in Kalinda's office, and even the bacteria in the room seemed to notice the sudden addition of nervous tension. "Carey was following you around for information, so I used you to throw him off my trail. I apologize for wasting your time."

Kalinda couldn't help the smirk which seized control of her face. She should have guessed that something was up; Alicia wouldn't come to her for help unless it was absolutely necessary. Only after Alicia had already found all she could. Ashley had hardly been of any use at all. She didn't stop to wonder why Alicia felt it necessary to apologize.

"It wasn't a waste of time. No need for an apology."

Kalinda steadily held Alicia's quizzical gaze, before she stood and brushed past Alicia and out of her office. The brief contact of their clothing was thrilling. From the other side of the glass, Kalinda could see Alicia still standing in her office, pondering. Alicia's hands were still, open and facing the ceiling in surprise. Kalinda could only imagine the confused look on her face. Then she entered the elevator.

Looking at her hazy reflection in the metal doors of the elevator, Kalinda smiled, and lowered her head. She knew just how intelligent Alicia was, how she could read people and understand motivations. Kalinda hoped she had given Alicia enough to understand her motives.

Kalinda didn't mind that her actions to better Alicia's life had, so far, gone unnoticed. Working on her cases, even when it wasn't needed, in order to provide any unknown information. Giving Will the go ahead he was waiting for in order to be a much needed relationship for Alicia. Using all her resources to find Alicia's missing daughter. Kalinda would do the simple, pointless work Alicia was apologizing for time and time again if it meant this much Alicia in her life. Kalinda would go on any goose chase. From this very elevator, to China, and back. if that is what Alicia wanted.

Kalinda could only hope Alicia would realize this as the elevator doors opened and Kalinda stepped into the sunlit world.


End file.
